No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.