[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
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[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah