Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Sing it!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist