Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
LMAO.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
March 16