[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Thursday
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.