I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’m sorry…what?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*