BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
North and South
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.