My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas