Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.