Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
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My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.