Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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*throws phone in holy water
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison