My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order