Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes