I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310