Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
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it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”