[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys