Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m aging like a fine banana
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*