My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Planet of the Apps.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.