me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
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This is me 🤣🤣
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.