How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”