[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”