Proofread twice, hang posters once
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Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums