Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
titanic
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!