i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
πππ
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesnβt feel so great does it
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Cop: So, Iβm writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: Youβre going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents werenβt for you
βEverything in moderation,β I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobodyβs going to check.
The most dangerous game to play is βresting your eyesβ in the morning after shutting off your alarm ππ
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Canβ but itβs just me making up jobs I have so I donβt need to volunteer at school.
Iβm going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didnβt know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and Iβm pretty sure he thinks I have gas
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.