Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I have obtained a hat
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while