I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.