me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Living the best life.. 😊
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it