Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room