I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
You Might Also Like
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.