*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Living the best life.. 😊
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!