WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
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You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
i hate you platonically
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on