Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
You Might Also Like
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…