Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
You Might Also Like
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors