Introverted vegans go meetless
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
So we got a goldfish…
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”