Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.