Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Sex so good you see dead people.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka