“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Air conditioning – not a fan
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.