No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.