My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.