Life is a suicide mission.
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Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!