I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You Might Also Like
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.