Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal