I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Put the is in disheveled
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys