Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
You Might Also Like
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
me when i see my girls butt
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”