ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
man: wait
time: no
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
In space, no one can hear…
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.