HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”