Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.