i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Go hard or stay average
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.