I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog