Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great